I HATE THE CARDINALS
More than feruncles, cold soup, a stubbed toe, being broke or being stuck in traffic. More than those. I hate the Cardinals. Much more. We use the pejorative “Delicate Genius” to refer to La Russa. I even had some of my Cardinal taunts posted on the super-famous McSweeney’s, giving me Cardinal-hating and literary cred all in one neat portion. He has a purrrrty mullet to go with that over-managing style of his.
It was rather funny or rather pathetic–your call, when he busted the fungo bat after being asked about what kind of reception McGwire would get at Busch that night. How dare ye scribes! I guess roids are cool with the DG. We ran our cheater out of town. I guess they will keep cheering theirs.
Speaking of McGwire, before and after games at Wrigley I like to go up to Cardinal fans, be they little kids or adults and inform them that “McGwire has retired. Buy your kid a new jersey.” Once when a nearby Cardinal fan gasped, I noticed she was wearing a Matt Morris jersey. “Morris sucks”, I told her. “You should get a new jersey too”. He really did that year–double burn!
I hate the Cardinals. It brings me great joy that they got bussed out of postseason play once again. Last year swept in the series by Boston. This year bounced by the wild-card Astros. Both years they had the best record in baseball. Wow–did you just hear that loud sound? I think it was the Cardinals’ window slamming shut!
I also liked this from the USA Today: “Moments after the Astros recorded the last out, the remainder of the sellout crowd of 52,438 erupted in a standing ovation and soon started chanting, “Let’s go, Cardinals.” Poor people can’t get over a loss. Or just don’t realize it. I hate the Cardinals.
“Half an hour after the game ended, several remained, chanting, “Thank you, Cardinals,” getting extra animated every time a player came out to acknowledge them.” I wish I could have been there for that. I especially like the “extra animated” part of the process. Grown men shrieking at the sight of a John Mabry or So Taguchi topping the dugout steps. Or maybe even a Jason Marquis. How rich. What stories–and memories they will have. If they were one of the fortunate fans to receive a high-five, here’s guessing they will not wash that hand again.
I hate the Cardinals. Their fans think they are so great. And it’s so misguided. They think they are great because of the Cardinals. As if through some sort of team/fan osmosis they become as great as Albert Pujols. Not how it works. So I remind them they are still from St. Louis. And they have to go back there. I also tell them to enjoy the traffic on 55 South. But I’m sure they have their Tim McGraw cassettes all set to rock out, unless maybe they rewinded too far on the ride in, which is no doubt comforting on a long trip. In Chicago, if we were to think we are great, it wouldn’t be because of our teams (obviously). It would be because of Chicago. Unless, of course, the Sox were to pummel the Cards in the Series. Then it would be doubled. But the Cards choked again, so I won’t be afforded that enjoyment.
I hate the Cardinals. Their players get all baked in our hotel rooms and die in their sleep. That’s not cool. Hey man, we took the day off to watch the game! Why do you have to do that? You made new Marlins manager Joe Girardi cry! I don’t know why, but Cards fans hate it when I say to them “Good game today–and hey, bonus–none of your players died.”
Yeah I hate the Cardinals.