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Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

I HATE THE CARDINALS

14

More than feruncles, cold soup, a stubbed toe, being broke or being stuck in traffic. More than those. I hate the Cardinals. Much more. We use the pejorative “Delicate Genius” to refer to La Russa. I even had some of my Cardinal taunts posted on the super-famous McSweeney’s, giving me Cardinal-hating and literary cred all in one neat portion. He has a purrrrty mullet to go with that over-managing style of his.

It was rather funny or rather pathetic–your call, when he busted the fungo bat after being asked about what kind of reception McGwire would get at Busch that night. How dare ye scribes! I guess roids are cool with the DG. We ran our cheater out of town. I guess they will keep cheering theirs.

Speaking of McGwire, before and after games at Wrigley I like to go up to Cardinal fans, be they little kids or adults and inform them that “McGwire has retired. Buy your kid a new jersey.” Once when a nearby Cardinal fan gasped, I noticed she was wearing a Matt Morris jersey. “Morris sucks”, I told her. “You should get a new jersey too”. He really did that year–double burn!

I hate the Cardinals. It brings me great joy that they got bussed out of postseason play once again. Last year swept in the series by Boston. This year bounced by the wild-card Astros. Both years they had the best record in baseball. Wow–did you just hear that loud sound? I think it was the Cardinals’ window slamming shut!

I also liked this from the USA Today: “Moments after the Astros recorded the last out, the remainder of the sellout crowd of 52,438 erupted in a standing ovation and soon started chanting, “Let’s go, Cardinals.” Poor people can’t get over a loss. Or just don’t realize it. I hate the Cardinals.

“Half an hour after the game ended, several remained, chanting, “Thank you, Cardinals,” getting extra animated every time a player came out to acknowledge them.” I wish I could have been there for that. I especially like the “extra animated” part of the process. Grown men shrieking at the sight of a John Mabry or So Taguchi topping the dugout steps. Or maybe even a Jason Marquis. How rich. What stories–and memories they will have. If they were one of the fortunate fans to receive a high-five, here’s guessing they will not wash that hand again.

I hate the Cardinals. Their fans think they are so great. And it’s so misguided. They think they are great because of the Cardinals. As if through some sort of team/fan osmosis they become as great as Albert Pujols. Not how it works. So I remind them they are still from St. Louis. And they have to go back there. I also tell them to enjoy the traffic on 55 South. But I’m sure they have their Tim McGraw cassettes all set to rock out, unless maybe they rewinded too far on the ride in, which is no doubt comforting on a long trip. In Chicago, if we were to think we are great, it wouldn’t be because of our teams (obviously). It would be because of Chicago. Unless, of course, the Sox were to pummel the Cards in the Series. Then it would be doubled. But the Cards choked again, so I won’t be afforded that enjoyment.

I hate the Cardinals. Their players get all baked in our hotel rooms and die in their sleep. That’s not cool. Hey man, we took the day off to watch the game! Why do you have to do that? You made new Marlins manager Joe Girardi cry! I don’t know why, but Cards fans hate it when I say to them “Good game today–and hey, bonus–none of your players died.”

Yeah I hate the Cardinals.

  • <span class="anon-comment-author">Anonymous</span>

    Were those the White Stockings that got lumps of coal in them rather than pennants. HA HA! CUBS SUCK!!!

  • Bryan B.

    2006 WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • dhaab

    Whomever wrote this has some issues to deal with in their life. This person is pathetic on multiple levels. I hope this piece was something you found, Zoner, and it wasn’t actually something that you wrote. WOW!

  • http://zonersports.com The Zoner

    Oh I wrote it. And this at one time was my most commented on post. Cardinals fans are fierce–they were going to come to Chicago and beat me up or kill me. I’ll have to find them all. Great stuff!!!

    I’m not pathetic, but I do have a lot of issues.

  • Mike O’Donnell

    “Whomever wrote this”…….nice Grammar dhaab. Trying to sound like you know Grammar and it backfires.

    Must be a Cardinals fan.

    Zoner – it’s because of those issues that I love you.

    Go Cubs.

  • dhaab

    Hey Mike, please refrain from being the grammar police. You’re sounding petty.

    Must be another pathetic Scrubs fan. All those years with no World Series sure has made some of you bitter.

    Say this to yourself a few hundred times. It’s only a game. :)

  • http://thewaywardbus.wordpress.com Mike O

    Dear Mr. You-
    Thanks for being a coward. It’s clear your issues run deeper than baseball bitterness, and that they are in greater abundance than Sports Illustrated.

    God bless you.

    Mike O- friend of Matt and a Cubs fan

  • http://zonersports.com The Zoner

    I deleted his comment due to all the profanity. But he was such a tough guy that he did not leave a name nor a real e-mail address. Stay classy…

  • http://thewaywardbus.wordpress.com Mike O

    If he’s so angry, and hates you so much, why waste his time responding? Especially if as a Cards fan he’s so much better than you.

    Which he is, obviously.

  • dhaab

    “I hate the Cardinals. Their players get all baked in our hotel rooms and die in their sleep.”

    Who exactly needs to stay classy here again?

  • http://zonersports.com The Zoner

    The Cardinal fans need to learn a little about something called tongue-in-cheek writing. It’s a tough concept to grasp, but a trip to a local library and a browsing of a 6th or 7th grade language arts textbook should have the necessary information.

  • dhaab

    Ohhh, so now I’m just a simple-minded fellow who can’t interpret intelligent writing like yours. That’s rich.

    Here’s a little advice back to you. If/when you write “tongue-in-cheek”, do the entire piece that way. This pathetic article has so much bitterness strewn through it, I find it mind-boggling that you or anyone finds it amusing. But, then again, you are Cubs fans, so bitterness is pretty much a way of life.

  • http://zonersports.com The Zoner

    I was actually referring to the death threat comments, but if the shoe fits…

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