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Friday, September 30th, 2016

THE MMA TEN

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Welcome to a new weekly column here on Zoner Sports. Don Abato will join us each week to look at his top ten stories in MMA. This will give me more time to practice gogoplatas on my 5-year old. Without further ado…The MMA Ten.

10. Yo Joe – The seemingly quiet Joe Lauzon doesn’t hide his feelings regarding the new episode of Tapout featuring his younger brother Dan. J-Lau calls the show “garbage.” If Joe Lauzon headed GI Joe then Mask, Scrape and Punk wouldn’t necessarily be Cobra. They look more like the blokes who would belong to the Dreadnoks. Big, dumb and uh… stupid.

9. Team Premature – The patriarch of Team Punishment may keep former porn queen Jenna Jameson happy, but he was premature in telling Sports Illustrated he had a “ground-breaking” deal with Affliction. Tito, remember you can’t blow your news early, gotta be patient.

8. All It Takes Is One – Truthfully I don’t care how much stamina Tito has when “grappling” with Jenna, but it doesn’t matter. It takes one swimmer to get a woman pregnant and Jenna says she’s an expectant momma. This proves art doesn’t imitate life cuz Tito obviously found an area to land on beside the chest or face.

7. Bye-FL – The IFL releases Bas Rutten, signaling the official end is near for the promotion. Call it the Inexistent Fight League.

6. Adrenaline Junk – What’s CEO Monty Cox going to do? Adrenaline 2, slated for September 6 in Moline, had to move cuz Dana decided to hold UFC 88. Monty couldn’t push it to the next week cuz everyone in the Hawkeye state will watch the Iowa/Iowa State game (no one else in the country will.) Can’t do October 25 either, UFC 90 in Chicago. Oh yeah, Affliction throws down on October 11. Is this the next fight promotion going to the junk heap?

5. Hand Off – The fight pitting WAMMA Heavyweight Champion Emelianenko Fedor against Josh Barnett in Affliction 2 is off. The reason is a hand injury, those same hands Fedor seems to break after every fight. Barnett now faces Andei Arlovski. Will Affliction still be in the MMA game when Fedor’s hands mend?

4. Fu-nominal – Final Fu reruns are airing on MTV2. I’m only poking fun at TMA folks just a little here, but the contestants couldn’t fight out of a wet t-shirt. Yes, pretty much all of them have vaginas. But I gotta say this show is a guilty pleasure.

3. Road Rampage – The pregnant woman involved in the car crash with Rampage Jackson during his driving episode suffered a miscarriage. The woman’s attorney could not say if the miscarriage was caused by the accident. Another one for the mound of problems facing the beleaguered former UFC champion.

2. Roger That – Kenny Florian’s coach Mark DellaGrotte on Roger Huerta, opponent in UFC :
If this was a popularity contest, Kenny would be f–ked…But it’s not a popularity contest; it’s a fight. So therefore, Roger is f–ked. Abato says f-ck yeah!

1. Roger and Out – Huerta may have written his ticket out of the UFC too. This is last fight of his current contract and he reportedly wants 6 digits and a slice of pay-per-view juice for a new deal. Yo’ amigo, I know the UFC is trying to build its stable of Hispanic stars, but the only fighter from La Raza technically still with the company deserving ppv shares bolted for Affliction. Oh wait, this time I was the one talking prematurely. Oh yeah, I like Florian to win.

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